My son married Sierra (fake names) and they live two states over. Sierra is from a culture where it is customary after she gives birth she will not do any household chores. The family members (mostly women) will go over and do all those chores. So cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. She explained this to me and it happens for a few weeks after the birth. She is not close to her family and it was asked of me to come up for a few weeks and do this. My son will be back on call a week and a half after she gives birth. She is supposed to give birth in about a month and I was talking about logistics of the whole thing. I asked were I would sleep and she informed me that I will need to get a hotel. This shocked me since they own a nice home. I thought it over and decided I do not want to do this. I was already going to be doing them a huge favor by being a live-in maid. I was going to use all my PTO for this and now I will have to also live in a hotel. This isn’t even a culture I am a part of. I informed her that I will not be able to come up for the time she wanted if I have to stay in a hotel. I am willing to come up for a weekend at most if I can not stay in their home. I got a call from my son and he is pissed. He told me that Sierra has been crying since and that I am being a dick. That I am disrespecting her culture and rejecting her from the family. That he knows I could afford this ( I could but I don’t want to pay thousand of dollars to be a maid). We got into an argument. I explained my points about but he wasn’t having it. AITA? Only-Ingenuity7889 wrote: At the absolute very least, THEY can foot the hotel bill. You may wind up being thankful to be able to leave the drama daily, instead of staying at the house. If you choose to go, make crystal clear you are not on 24 hour, drop-everything call. Additionally, wtf is keeping your son from stepping up to do chores? It's not his culture that it has to be done by women. NTA. OP responded: I don’t know."AITA for refusing to a help visit for my DIL and son since they won’t allow me to stay in their home?"
Commenters had lots to say in response.
The whole time she was explaining this tradition all I could think it was sexist as hell.
IamIrene wrote:
I N F O: Not knowing what culture you're talking about but, it would seem reasonable that if that much time and effort is expected you would be staying with them 24/7.
Is that the case with the culture you're talking about?
Edited for judgment: "La cuarentena: a 40-day postpartum ritual practiced in many Latin American cultures, aimed at supporting new mothers in their recovery and bonding with their babies. During this period, women are traditionally cared for by their communities, receiving assistance with household chores, cooking, and childcare."
"This cultural tradition is rooted in Christian customs of isolating and caring for new parents, which were once common throughout Europe and the Americas."
Ya, staying in a hotel would make that extremely difficult. If you lived nearby it would work well but...you don't.
You are NTA, they are expecting too much.
Even_Budget2078 wrote:
NTA. So, I am familiar with variations of this tradition in a number of cultures, actually. My (passing, this is not my culture) exposure to it has been about pampering the new mom and ensuring she has lots of rest and bonding time and it's a very communal based thing, where families live nearby (possibly together) and there's also aspects of knowledge sharing from elder women to the new mom.
I have never heard of a hotel stay being a part of this "tradition" lol. This sounds like cherry picking of a tradition that undermines what it is valuable about it to reduce it to you being a maid and spending a lot of money for the opportunity (/s). Are all the women of her family staying in hotels or just you?
Peony-Pony wrote:
NTA Your son and daughter in law want you to travel, use all your PTO and pay for and stay in a hotel because culturally the your daughter in law needs to be waited on hand and foot after giving birth? Oh, heck, no. I was lucky. My mother and mother in law worked out a schedule to drop of meals or some groceries and pop by so I could take a shower after I gave birth.
And I was beyond grateful. Your son's and daughter in law's request is over the top. You son needs to look into the parental leave policies at his employer and take off additional time if his wife needs assistance.
Demented_Alpaca wrote:
NTA. Her culture is one thing but asking you to spend your limited vacation time, your limited funds and to do that JUST to be a maid? Yeah, that's asking a lot and expecting too much.
Assuming, of course, they have the room for you. you say it's a "nice house" but that doesn't mean they have a guest room you could stay in... I'm gonna guess they do. And it's not like you'd be a huge burden on them since you're literally there to do all the house work anyway.
Firm-Molasses-4913 wrote:
NTA I have heard of cultures wherein the new mom rests for some weeks while the women of the family support her by doing all the chores, cooking etc However this necessitates having a community of like minded women around you. When their turn comes the community comes together to support the next family member.
It’s minimizing the importance of this practice to refer to yourself simply as the maid. This is not what your DIL is asking of you. She’s asking you to be her entire “village” with no apparent opportunity for the reciprocity that makes this worthwhile for you. And not only that SIL and DIL expect you to use all your pto and pay for a hotel.
This is a big ask and I’m not surprised you feel disrespected and taken for granted. A compromise would be staying with them for a couple of weeks and giving her the TLC she longs for and has probably heard about in family lore all her life. You can do ‘chores’ to whatever standard you like.
It’s not disrespecting her culture to balk at a practice that you have no experience of and feel diminished by. You could also say she’s disrespecting your position / culture by making you pay for a hotel and treating you like a maid.
IF you work it out to go try to put this ugliness behind you and go with good grace. It’s a very emotional time for everyone.
Good luck, please update us.
Sources: Reddit
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