I (30F) practically raised my 8yo nephew and love him as my own. My sister (28f) used to work afar so she had to leave him at my / my mother's care when he was a baby. Three years ago she found a job and house nearby, but my nephew still spends his weekdays in my place and only goes at my sister's place during the weekends. My nephew tends to be careless with everyone's stuff, but he's specially careless with mine. I think because he's closest to me and has no restrictions. He has already broken two phones, two eyeglasses, 1 laptop and so many other stuff. I chalk it up to him being a kid and therefore never gets mad. But when he turned 8, I started teaching him about boundaries. That when I tell him something is hands-off, then he must not play with it. A concept he's really having a hard time with. Yesterday I saw him fiddling with the contact lenses I just bought the other day. I told him it's a hands-off because I will need to wear it for an office party later, and that I wouldn't have any backup because he just broke my eyeglasses. An hour before the party, all I have to do is wear my contact lenses... et voila! It's missing. When I asked my nephew, he admitted to have dropped it. We looked for it to no avail, and I ended up not being able to go to the office party. This is the only time I got really mad. I got mad that he didn't listen to me for the nth time and that he didn't even bother picking it up after dropping it, because to me that shows his lack of respect to me. Sure I can buy a new pair again just like what I've done several times in the past, but I really wanted to teach him a lesson about boundaries and respect, and in my perspective, the best way to do that is show him the consequences. So, I dropped him to his mom afterwards and told both of them that he will be banned at my place until they replace either the contact lens he lost or the eyeglasses he broke. My sister does not agree with my method, said I'm being petty for getting mad over it and she would rather spend money on food. My mother thinks I'm being harsh considering it will be christmas soon, and that my nephew is still too young to understand what I'm trying to teach him."AITA for banning my 8-yo nephew from my place until my sister replaces my stuff that my nephew lost / broken?"
I felt I was right, but now I'm not sure. AITA for banning my 8yo nephew to teach him about consequences, considering that it will be Christmas soon?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
IsaRat8989 said:
ESH. First off, 8 years old is old enough to understand the basics of what is a toy and what is not. Someone has failed in teaching him this. And while I understand you are not the parent, but you are an adult and you know his track record and should have taken steps to just taken the lenses away from him.
His mother should also take responsibility and if not pay all, then some of the values of what he breaks, and the kid desperately needs to learn there are consequences to his actions, tho banning him is a bit overkill because neither the mother or you don't have the guts to give him a form of punishment (Like a timeout corner, no game time, do some extra chores)
(You haven't mentioned anything any punishment, ony a "command word" that apariantly is not enforced or punished, so he will never truly learn). This isn't the case of spilling some milk, he is physically destructive and it will become a problem eventually its not addressed sooner rather then later.
YourLittleRuth said:
ESH. You are all doing a pretty poor job of raising this child. He should have been taught not to mess with other people's stuff as soon as he was able to get to it. You say you've let things go until he was eight—waaaaaay too long.
No wonder he thinks it's fine to break stuff, if it always has been fine. You, and your sister, and your mother, and any other 'responsible' adult in the kid's life, need to get your act together.
judgemental_t said:
NTA, 8 is plenty old to stop being a brat and your mom and his mom both need to stop enabling this behavior.
And Waste-Phase-2857 said:
YTA for waiting until he's 8yo to begin teaching him boundaries. He's gotten away with everything until now and then you punish him with taking away his weekdays home? That's really not fair. The punishment is to harsh. Let him come back but have him work of his debt for the broken things by doing housework for you. He needs to be raised properly.
***UPDATE***
Thank you to all who gave their feedback. I just talked to my nephew and he agreed to write a whole-page essay to reflect about his actions, and to wash the plates at home for two weeks to pay for what he lost.
I agree that banning him from my place might be too harsh, but to clarify, it isn't like I didn't try to talk to him or discipline gently when he was younger. His habit has mellowed down towards other people's stuff but not towards mine, which I conclude is because of his total lack of fear of me. I am not fond of punishments / discipline by fear because I grew up from that kind of environment.
I think I want to be his security blanket because I didn't have one growing up, but it can be a struggle to balance things out.
Appreciate all those who gave their advice!
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